Pursuit Of Happiness

i suppose, that the movie was my breaking point.

i waited so long to , took days, but at least now, i'm a bit more better. or at least, thats what i want to believe.

I don't know why, but i certainly have been foolish, doing one thing after another that might make me more and more sad. Twilight, watching it, made me feel all dreamy. especially when edward had to play the song on the piano, and only now i do realize, it is bella's lullaby. or at least i think it is. and then, i had to get the book, both books.

Compared to twilight, New Moon created a much much more crazy effect on me. Bella falling for jacob, or she believes she does, and as much as she doesn't want to lead him on, he would still take the chances. and in the end, she realized that for something else she want, it was alright to throw away friendship, for her own true happiness. And that was the very same friend, who unlike her others, who were around to laugh together with her, this guy made her smile when she was ...empty.

Empty.... that was the word you used before. exact same word you told me, when i killed my heart to never love again. i tried everything i could, and at least to some point, bring back as much life into you. I was glad, because you thought me how to love again. It was the greatest joy in my life, i'll never forget how to love again. I realized how big a mistake it was to kill my own heart, to not let it feel love again. And you told me, to not worry, to let you guide me, and i'm still here, standing in the rain alone......you left , for something else that could give you happiness, and forgotten everything else that we went through, promises meant nothing... at that moment, i was jacob, wasn't i ? Sometimes, you have to sacrifice the 2nd best thing in your life, to get what you want most.But, you never thought you took away the best thing in my life... hope.

How long was i left hollow ? I never fell in love that deep anymore, i tried everything i could again. I fell in love , i went distance i never knew i would go. I did stupid stuff, things i cant turn my back on, for money i need, just to see the smile on your face again. to be able to hold you, to be able to kiss you, to be able to stand in front of you and tell you i love you, for i never got that chance often. i was so happy you brought me into your life so much, i would have did anything to keep that happiness. it was hard , what we go through isn't what others have to deal, it was perhaps one of the hardest love to ever succeed, i was willing to do anything for it, but it just broke my heart to hear you say " maybe, i don't want my life to be this hard " .

what did you expect me to say? i begged, but i know if its just me trying, it will never be enough. not for a love like this. But, if only you knew how much was i dragged into this already.

i loved you more than you can imagine. i dream of you, night after night. i waited, still waiting for you. even after everything that was said between the both of us, i still missed you, i still love you. i wait for you every night, and i never even knew why i was awake every day. i was waiting for you, if maybe, you might just come and tell me you needed me, if only, for once you felt the same way as i do, and i never even knew i was waiting for you. i denied it, all the time, and yet, i wanted you so bad.

i had to kill myself even more. i watched a walk to remember, wedding singer, and pursuit of happiness. i really don't know why i did that. Maybe i do, i just needed to cry again. to get rid of all the sadness bottled up in me. took me days...
a walk to remember... just shows the boundary of love.. it doesn't matter how much you love someone, sometimes, things just never want it to be right. no matter how much you love each other. pursuit of happiness ? do you even know how much i miss the little kid ? i never thought i would get so attached to him so quickly! i never thought, when i told him i'm going back home, he would hug me and say he misses me ! the kid is 2 ! no one ever did that to me.. and i miss him, miss him way more than i even thought it would be possible. And you know, i can mention you and not feel sad at times, but i cant do the same with him. the mention of his name makes me feel horrible, and it made me tear few days back, when i saw his name on my notification, agni made him do some weird stupid ffs job for me. i never really thought i could actually miss him so.

What would i have did ? I could have went to you, as far as you were, i could have. i could have stood on your doorstep, with flowers in my hand, tell you i'm sorry for everything i've said, i love you, i need you, i truly do not want to go through my days without you anymore, it hurts way more than i can take sometimes. its so hard to put on a strong face and endure it everyday, it will bottle up, and i will have days like today, a day when i need to cry, just to make myself feel better.

i'm tired of crying. how long does this need to go on ? i really don't know what i want anymore... i'm tired of crawling in the dark. not knowing where does this tunnel ends, not knowing what is at the end of it. i'm so tired, i just want to stop moving, and lay down here . i just want to give up...but i know its hard, coz i want to be someone's number one. i want to be someone special, i want to be loved, its the greatest feeling there is, but how can i? how can i have the strength in me anymore, to endure more of this ?

i miss you clarissa, more than you can ever believe i did.